It's been while since I have written a new blog, I know... BUT I'M BACK !

11-27-10 SATURDAY

I'm back....

I had spent the last year crazy in love with a man that was not in love with me.
In fact, I had my suspicion that he had feelings for another woman, and I was right.
Just recently, we broke up for good this time. I had been trying to leave him for a while,
but I was never brave enough to be alone again... so I always stayed, went back to him...
forgave him for all the nasty things he said to me on a regular basis.

It was finally confirmed, that he loved someone else. And I found out who, exactly.
I was right. The woman I suspected was the one that he loved instead of me had ongoing texts between she and him.
Yes, I snooped. I had to, I had no choice, he wasn't being honest with me, and I gave him too many chances in the past to tell me the fucking truth.

The recent texts I viewed, which he sent her, and he sent many of them, read, " I miss you, where are you? Talk to me!"

I told him that I saw the texts he sent her and he was very upset with me that I "snooped" through his business.

I told him that I asked him on several occasions if he was with another woman , or if he had feelings for another woman, so it wasn't my fault that I looked through his phone.

Besides, he once snooped through my text messages and through my emails... who the fuck is he to tell me that (I) have no right to look through HIS things, that fucking hipocrit!

Anyway, I know this seems phsyco... I admit that, but I went ahead and contacted this woman he is crazy about and asked her is she A: even knew about me, since I had been "dating" him for over a year now, and B: if she felt the same way about him that he feels about her. I also apologised for even contacting her at all, and told her that I am sure it seems very immature, but she actually wrote me back... and told me that she doesn't have any feelings for him, but YES, they at one time used to have sexual relations, but those times pre-dated my dating him, and not to worry, that she would want to know the truth also, if she was in my position, and that she understood exactly where I was coming from .

That gave me great comfort, having read what she wrote in reply to my innitial inquirey. I told her not to tell him that I contacted her, and she assured me that she wouldn't.

Instead, I told him myself. I knew that he would be livid with me and would want to brake things off with me immeiately and permanently, and that's exactly what I needed. I couldn't get sucked back into caring as much as I did for a man that simply did not love me. It was finally time to move on.

And I was right, he (was) extremely upset, to say the least. He was embarrassed beyond all belief. But I needed out.

It was difficult, at first, getting used to not being able to watch Netflix because he changed his password on me... but life goes on, and I got my own Netflix account established, so no biggie. And yes, in my daydream-fantasies while I am driving my car, or waiting in line at Ralph's... I think back on all the great sex that he and I had, and fuck... it was AMAZING SEX with this man.

But hey,shit happens. Some people change, and some people never will. I have chosen to evolve. Roll with the god-damned punches life throws my way. Although I am a pretty decent human being and mean wll, I also have my flaws. So I shouldn't just ridicule and blame others for (their) flaws. I just need to weed out those that don't work for me.

I want things in life that only a real man can provide.

I'll be on the lookout.