Me, My cats and I...

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a man that will date you knowing that you have a cat here in L.A.? Well, I have TWO cats, and it's fucking DIFFICULT to find a guy to want to date me (because) I have cats.

What's so wrong with cats, anyway, ya DOG-PEOPLE ?

... Okay... you don't have to WALK them three times a day, or train them, they kinda just KNOW where they are assigned to shit and piss. Sure, you gotta scoop their poop and pee-clumpers, but you have to bag your dog's shit, too! (Which in turn ... turns otherwise recyclable bags into non-recyclable bags... douchebags.

With CATS: You can leave a but-load of dry food and a huge bowl of water out and take off for the weekend to wherever, without worrying who is, or paying who is feeding them. (They're good tuh go.)

You also don't have to worry about people stealing your cat/s: NO ONE LIKES CATS, REMEMBER?

People always say, " ...well, cats scratch you!" (Well, yeah, if you are mean to them, and don't clip their nails regularly, you idiots!)

Cat's get hair on your clothing! (Well, hang your shit up and keep the rest in drawers, you lazy bums.) Otherwise, cuddle with them in your cat-cuddling attire, not your fine-pressed dry-cleaned suit, dumb-ass.

You also do not have to bathe cats... they bathe themselves.

Cats lay on your lap... dogs sniff your crotch and try to hump you... I have witnessed female dogs do this, too, so there.


In closing, no matter what douchbag I end up dating... it's always ME, my cats and I.

STILL living at the EX's place... and so on...

I think that "he" let's me stay at his place so that he can get blown whenever he wants, send me to the store for whatever he needs, drive him here and drive him there, and use my car. I don't blame him for needing an escape at times, especially from little ol' depressed ME. But, what I do blame him for is being dishonest with me about the woman he is in love with.

She doesn't even want him the way he still want her. I mean, for fuck's sake, people... he is (so) obsessed with this woman that he even has an ass-shot picture of her in his wallet! (Obsessed?... Ya think ?)

I actually spoke with this woman while he and I were still "dating." She assured me that she certainly does not feel for him what he feels for her, and she apologized for everything he had (obvious to her) put me through.

The nutty thing about him is that he is a hypocritical one-way street... just like every other guy I have wasted my time and energy on. He says, ..." and this is the way it goes, Stanzi!" But then he does whatever the fuck (he wants...) with no consideration for my, (or every one of his exes) feelings, whatsoever.

I walk his dof, clean her piss and shit off the floors of his place, bathe her, clean his house so that he does not have to pay a maid instead, let him use my car whenever he needs, gave him my external hard drive, let him set up an eBay acount in my name because his is fuct, (which FUCKED ... MY bank account, drive him wherever he wants to go, run errands for him, blow him, give him pedicures, he takes my prescription meds for a high... then, I find myself all out when I am in so much pain that I cannot sit, stand, or sleep... and all the while, he belittles me and overreacts when I so much as fumble by leaving the refrigerator door open, and when I forget details of past conversations.

I really don't know what to do here...

I am TRYING to file for disability, General relief, unemployment, etc, and going to the gym at least five times a week, and STILL sending my resume out via craigslist and in-person at random venues. I want out of his way and out of his life so badly, you have no idea! I am so sick and tired of being put down, hour after hour, day after day by him... it is so draining!

Where is "that silver lining?"

WHAT DO I DO (NOW?)

So, I spent 18 days and nights living in my car. A few other nights sleeping at so-called friends' apartments. One night at a true friend's place... THEN... back at "his" place.

I have been back for about three weeks now. I have been trying to "make it up to him" for what I had supposedly "done."

I missed my cats. I missed being able to watch tv, nap, lay naked on his roof-top attempting to achieve a tan... and yes, I (did) mis HIM. Call me bonkers, but I really did.

I know that I should be "moving on, after everything that happened, but I really (do) like the guy, thorns and all.

I have dramatically reduced my drinking habit. It wasn't hard to, actually. I have found that if I stay away from "the hard stuff" and stick to white wine, I am actually JUST a horny, pleasant drunk, VS a horny... VILE, asshole-drunk.

My drinking has ruined most of my friendships and EVERY relationship I have had in the past.

... but that's the past, right?

Now is the present, and all I want for myself is a semi-content future.

I met a guy earlier tonight. He was tending bar at a joint I had never been to before. He is really handsome. From Texas. Lived in New York City for four years. He was very sweet towards me, and (really fucking hot!) He would never be into me, or so I thought. I mean, I walk like a penguin after getting struck by a car a year and a half ago. (Who would like me?)

(I hope THIS guy does.)

(I am smiling right now.)

This last month... and the month before:

A few months ago, I had a Urinary Tract Infection. I had to leave early from work one shift and miss out on another shift because I could barely even stand up and kept rushing to the restroom with urgency... and each time, no pee would come out. I am really glad that the owner, (my boss, of course) of the establishment that I work at, and had only been working at (at that time) for only a mere month is a nurse, also. She told me that she understood and that I should get antibiotics immediately.

... and so I did.

I went to the venice family Clinic on Rose street an hour and a half before my shift ended that day.

I waited for almost two hours before finally being called, which sucked ass, because my vagina was burning and I had to piss like a race horse, but was never able to for over 48 hours.


Anyway, I was finally called in. They took my blood pressure: said it was way high. They took my blood work: said it would be back in three weeks. They asked me for a urine sample: I asked them if they were stupid. (Those were, of course, nurses that barely spoke any English and had not even read the stack of paperwork that I had to fill out upon my arrival... informing this clinic that I, again... 'could not pee.")


Eventually, four hours later, I was greeted by a "doctor." She was actually terrific, or so I thought. She was "nice" and seemingly "informative." So... after just 3 minutes, she concluded that I have high blood pressure, but did not prescribe anything for my "condition." She recommended that I see a therapist because she concluded that I was depressed. ( I knew that.) She also told me, (yay... finally!...) that I , in fact did have a Urinary Tract Infection. (It's about TIME !)

And so she prescribed me the necessary antibiotics for what I came there for in the first place.

THEN, folks, she asked me (afterwards) when my last period was and when I was to expect my next occurring period. I then said, my last period lasted 4 days in total and I was to expect my next period any day now because I was 9 days late. That's when she said this; " could you be pregnant?" I then replied, "shouldn't you have asked that (before) I gave my teensy pee sample a few hours ago... uhhh, so you could test it? " (AND...) "I thought you tested my urine sample. You guys here should (know) already that I am not pregnant."

She said, "Well, okay, yes, you are not pregnant, we do know this. But were you afraid that you were in fact or could be pregnant, even?"

I said, "Well, yeah, I (am) LATE, duh!"

That's when the doc offered me several "birth control" options...

Pill? (no way !)
Condoms? (guys hate 'em... no way!)
The patch? ( it's sticky, leaves residue... and I will feel like I am quittin'.)

"What else you got?"

"THE SHOT? ," she asked. " Have you heard of the Depo Shot?"

I told her that I had heard of it before, but to tell me more about it. So, THIS is what she tells me about "the Shot:"

"You will have probably about only three periods a year, it's great!"

(Aaaaand... that's when I said, " SIGN ME UP!"


(She did not tell me that you gain weight, or that you turn into a phsyco-bitch, or that you will have your period for over a MONTH... when you DO actually get it! Plus the cramps, plus that raging hormonal bullshit!"

I wish I could sue that clinic, but I cannot because it would be detrimental to the care of many, many others whom are in great need of it's services. But, I should have been warned of all of the possible side effects of this sht BEFORE I recieved it... Not paperwork... telling me all about it, once the damage had been done.

I do not excuse my behavior, nor am I trying to validate any of if... the behavior that was the innitial cause of the brake-up between myself and the man I had been dating for the last two years. Sure, I wanted to go anyway... and we had (tried) to have discussions about just that. But I wanted to remain FRIENDS with this person... move on, delicately, even though our situation was verbally and emotionally brutal, and at times, physical. I wanted to have a whole "sit-down" with this person. But I couldn't. I got that shot, and had the WORST cramps ever and turned into some weirdo-person, whom I myself... do not recognize.

I lost that opportunity.

I have no idea who I was for the first two months after I got that "shot." I am embarrassed, completely, from what I have heard.

I must add THIS, though: I am an alcoholic. I have blackouts and tell horrible lies when I am drunk.... but never in a million years would I believe that I was ever capable of doing some of the things "HE" (claims) I did... to make him feel justified in sentencing me to live in my car all alone.

I hope that he is telling the truth... and not just trying to get me out of his house... because (that... would be a huge disappointment.) But I still do not know what is real, either. I have been living in a fantasy world. I had been thinking it's the end of the world, vs. being grateful for what I have had all along... and I have also been thinking everything's A-Okay... when... it really is not.

I need to GROW THE FUCK UP ALREADY !

(... to be continued...)

WOW... (what a wake-up call!)

It's been a while, I know, my very-few followers... so here we go, huh?

"He" and I broke up. Well, we broke up a few months ago. I somehow could not get over the fact that I had no opinion in his family matters even though I had to hear about them, non-stop... and, I guess it also had a (little bit to do with) the fact that he is in love with another woman and I caught him sexting and love-texting to "her"... TWICE.

Here's the deal: Every time that he yelled at not only ME, but also at his dog, my cats, his oven timer, his computer, the hockey games, and every time that his direct tv sucked ass... I just could not live down, nor forgive him for being in-love with someone else, after all I wanted to and did give him... all the while in-love with this man. And I just began yelling (back at him, in my own defense.)

I got the birth control " shot" a couple months ago. I thought that it was a really smart move.... boy, was I wrong! It turned my hormones all upside-muther fucking-down... and up and down, over and over again. (You get the picture.)

So, on the 1st of this month of August, I get the worst cramps of my life since my very first period when I was younger, my periods lasted up to ten or eleven days. As I grew into a woman, I FINALLY got the three-day period!!! BUT... After this "shot," : ( I turned into a monster. It is the 16th of this month and I STILL am bleeding and cramping since the 1st of the month, WTF?!

But, what happened, is this: He literally threw me out onto the street, destined to live in my CAR... because of my "erratic behavior," so he says... (and so he is rather on-point... (and I surely do NOT blame him.) I literally turned into the most impatient, insensitive creature, ever!

Can YOU imagine cramps THAT BAD? PS: Gals out there, I do not recommend "the shot" when it comes to any form of birth control! That and... AND my drinking fucked my relationship up.

Sure, he was, and perhaps IS in love with someone else, but he told me to begin with, two years ago that he did not want anything serious with ME. (I gotta give him THAT.)

We had, yet another argument. I spent most of the night at an old friend's house that night. That so-called friend of mine kept trying to get in my pants, so I tried to escape... and drove back to "HIS" house. When I arrived, most of my belongings were packed up in a box by his front door. (I don't blame him.)

I thought it could PASS.

It did not.

A few days later, I received a text message from "HIM" stating that he had a restraining order against me.

UH>>>> WHAT? !

I came back to his place after work that day, hoping that we could talk, but there was no talking, he had a guest in his house who never liked me very much in the first place... so he called the police the second I walked in...

After that, it was a half hour before I had to go to work,a day later... I still didn't think he was REALLY doing this to me... A RESTRAINING ORDER... I went to collect the paperwork that he had, in my opinion supposedly filed against me, I wanted to read through it, to know my boundaries and to get a better understanding of the whole dismissal of our so-called friendship, (and) to get my WORK shirt for my shift.

... but that's when he called the cops again. I resiste arrest, because i knew that if I did, I would at least have shelter over my head that night and not have to sleep in my car. I was thrown into the "looney bin."

They released me the very next morning, telling me that I was not crazy, just traumatized.

So when I was released, I went to every shelter that they gave me and I was turned away from a bed to sleep in because I did not have any children.

After that, I spent 4 nights sleeping in "other peoples' houses. Each one was a man, who SWORE they would not make a move on me... but they each eventually DID! And when I turned them down, it got rather ugly. One night, I was able to stay at a gal pal's house... but I cannot sleep there on a regular basis, because of the whole roommate thing, or whatever. Other than that, each and every night, I have literally spent (trying) to sleep in my car. An dperhaps I do not need to ecplain any further, if you try the same thing... you will know what I have had to go through.

So.... My question is THIS?

After all of what "he" put me through... should I take him back? Because right now, he is playing the whole, " I won't take YOU back card." What do I do? I DO love.... LOVE him, so much, and am so sorry about my erratic behavior, but I am not sorry about being cheated on, or having him be in-love with someone else. I would have done ANYTHING for this man. Why did he do this to me? I would have moved out within 30 days, instead, he filed a restraining order against me to get me out asap, vs, having a talk with me... vs. giving me an adult-30day notice.

I don't know what to do... because I am still so in-love with him. All of my friends tell me to ditch him and to move on, but I can't help but want to help him and comfort him when he needs it. I must be the dumbest gal I know.

"WEINERGATE..." (REALLY?) PULL OUT !

Leave Anthony Weiner and his wiener ALONE ALREADY !

He APOLOGIZED for lying.

He did not even get LAID!

Seriously, though... leave the guy alone!

We are firing teachers and firefighters and police officers because we are in so much debt...

... and good folks and bad folks are all losing their homes and having their credit decreased and are being fired or losing man-hours at work because this country is focusing on some guy's penis while we have troops in Afghanistan, Iraq, and several too many other countries!!!

WTF? !

PULL OUT!

DO I LOVE HIM? ...DOES HE LOVE ME?

... YES!


With all of my heart, BUT, that is the problem here:

I see the good in him that his so-called friends do not, but he "takes it out on me" all the things that he should NOT. All of the things that he wants to express to others whom have disappointed him or wronged him...he unleashes on me...

...but ,THEN AGAIN, I DO THE SAME EXACT THING TO HIM....SO, WHO AM I TO JUDGE ?