STILL living at the EX's place... and so on...

I think that "he" let's me stay at his place so that he can get blown whenever he wants, send me to the store for whatever he needs, drive him here and drive him there, and use my car. I don't blame him for needing an escape at times, especially from little ol' depressed ME. But, what I do blame him for is being dishonest with me about the woman he is in love with.

She doesn't even want him the way he still want her. I mean, for fuck's sake, people... he is (so) obsessed with this woman that he even has an ass-shot picture of her in his wallet! (Obsessed?... Ya think ?)

I actually spoke with this woman while he and I were still "dating." She assured me that she certainly does not feel for him what he feels for her, and she apologized for everything he had (obvious to her) put me through.

The nutty thing about him is that he is a hypocritical one-way street... just like every other guy I have wasted my time and energy on. He says, ..." and this is the way it goes, Stanzi!" But then he does whatever the fuck (he wants...) with no consideration for my, (or every one of his exes) feelings, whatsoever.

I walk his dof, clean her piss and shit off the floors of his place, bathe her, clean his house so that he does not have to pay a maid instead, let him use my car whenever he needs, gave him my external hard drive, let him set up an eBay acount in my name because his is fuct, (which FUCKED ... MY bank account, drive him wherever he wants to go, run errands for him, blow him, give him pedicures, he takes my prescription meds for a high... then, I find myself all out when I am in so much pain that I cannot sit, stand, or sleep... and all the while, he belittles me and overreacts when I so much as fumble by leaving the refrigerator door open, and when I forget details of past conversations.

I really don't know what to do here...

I am TRYING to file for disability, General relief, unemployment, etc, and going to the gym at least five times a week, and STILL sending my resume out via craigslist and in-person at random venues. I want out of his way and out of his life so badly, you have no idea! I am so sick and tired of being put down, hour after hour, day after day by him... it is so draining!

Where is "that silver lining?"

WHAT DO I DO (NOW?)

So, I spent 18 days and nights living in my car. A few other nights sleeping at so-called friends' apartments. One night at a true friend's place... THEN... back at "his" place.

I have been back for about three weeks now. I have been trying to "make it up to him" for what I had supposedly "done."

I missed my cats. I missed being able to watch tv, nap, lay naked on his roof-top attempting to achieve a tan... and yes, I (did) mis HIM. Call me bonkers, but I really did.

I know that I should be "moving on, after everything that happened, but I really (do) like the guy, thorns and all.

I have dramatically reduced my drinking habit. It wasn't hard to, actually. I have found that if I stay away from "the hard stuff" and stick to white wine, I am actually JUST a horny, pleasant drunk, VS a horny... VILE, asshole-drunk.

My drinking has ruined most of my friendships and EVERY relationship I have had in the past.

... but that's the past, right?

Now is the present, and all I want for myself is a semi-content future.

I met a guy earlier tonight. He was tending bar at a joint I had never been to before. He is really handsome. From Texas. Lived in New York City for four years. He was very sweet towards me, and (really fucking hot!) He would never be into me, or so I thought. I mean, I walk like a penguin after getting struck by a car a year and a half ago. (Who would like me?)

(I hope THIS guy does.)

(I am smiling right now.)