I AM TIRED OF THE GAME ONE HAS TO PLAY TO GET AHEAD IN THIS TOWN.
I AM ME AND I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
I AM INCAPABLE OF KISSING ASS.
PERIOD.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
What the fuck am I doing? (!)
yeah, yeah... so I have always been very attracted to older men, right? And others, throughout my life, including my therapist tell me it's a subconcious "daddy thing." Alright, let's say, so that those assholes can feel like they know what they are talking about... IT IS, right? But I was groosed out when my pop walked around in his Fruit Of The Looms loosey whities.
Am I fucked up, or crazy because I am attracted to older men?
Of course, i am going to establish that I am not.
First of all, older men are way more sexually experienced, which I dig, of course because I am a sex-a-holic. They know what they want, and they know how to please a woman, sexually, of course, at least with the ones I have endured, but they also know what the fuck they want in life... career wise, relationship wise, etc, okay?
With older men, I don't have to ask if their roommate will be home, and therfore, I don't have to hold back when I am fucking them, because it's just US. there is no, " keep it down, shhh... my roomate is inthe next room," type-crap.
Also, they have plenty of experience wining and dining a gal. They take you to nice restaurants, vs. fucking Taco bell or Mc Donald's.
In addition to these attributes of the seasoned male companions, they don't drag you to lame bars and order pitchers of fizzy yellow water, also known to college douchbags as: Miller Lite, or... if splurging on an imported beer; HEINE-fuckin'KEN.
Older guys know what they want... and I like that.
Furthermore, being a high school dropout, as I UNFORTUNATELY chose to be, it's fucking awesome... learning things via the intelect and past experiences of an older man.
But... what I do not like, nor appreciate... and cannot stand... is that these older men cannot take (ME) seriously.
With my every experience dating an older man, I am referred to as, " their gal-pal." And introduced by only my first name, not ever being introduced to folks from their past as, "this is my GIRLFRIEND, Stanzi."
Older men have been there, done that, got the t-shirt and burned it. Older men are tired of relationships... (and honestly, I really cannot blame them."
I get where they are coming from by not wanting a relationship... (with me, anyway...) I am only their outlet to living out and experiencing their wildest fantasies because I rock it "in bed."
But that is all I am to them.
No older man wants a broke, charity case little girl, (even though I will be thirty soon.)
Older men are more attracted to women at the very youngest, 10 years younger than (their) age. That, and or to women their own age, because they can talk politics with them, older than me women have careers, houses, condos, actually use their Passports, and they play games more so than us young, smoothe-skinned, perky-breasted "chicks."
Older women play games and play hard to get.
Apparently, older men are way into that. they need a chase, a challenge... THE HUNT. they need their freedom and guyism to PROVE that they are man enough to win them over.
But, what they wish is THIS:
Older men want a strong, independent woman who APPEARS not to NEED a man so that they can PROVE to these women that they need THEM... BUT...
They will never stop fantasizing about the younger women, with less years of baggage, who do not have crows feet, or saggy boobs, or leather-like skin.
They want to FUCK younger "chicks" because their pussies are tighter and not browned with age, but pink and wet, vs the dry dead fish that expect the guy to do all the work in bed.
They cannot stop fantasizing about the young "girls" that are eager to please and will do anything for them. the girls that make sex fun and interesting and intense.
Although, and in closing, they are too embarrassed to take their sex toys out in public.
Doesn't everyone want s a back-up plan?
I just wish that older men wouldn't juggle.
Am I fucked up, or crazy because I am attracted to older men?
Of course, i am going to establish that I am not.
First of all, older men are way more sexually experienced, which I dig, of course because I am a sex-a-holic. They know what they want, and they know how to please a woman, sexually, of course, at least with the ones I have endured, but they also know what the fuck they want in life... career wise, relationship wise, etc, okay?
With older men, I don't have to ask if their roommate will be home, and therfore, I don't have to hold back when I am fucking them, because it's just US. there is no, " keep it down, shhh... my roomate is inthe next room," type-crap.
Also, they have plenty of experience wining and dining a gal. They take you to nice restaurants, vs. fucking Taco bell or Mc Donald's.
In addition to these attributes of the seasoned male companions, they don't drag you to lame bars and order pitchers of fizzy yellow water, also known to college douchbags as: Miller Lite, or... if splurging on an imported beer; HEINE-fuckin'KEN.
Older guys know what they want... and I like that.
Furthermore, being a high school dropout, as I UNFORTUNATELY chose to be, it's fucking awesome... learning things via the intelect and past experiences of an older man.
But... what I do not like, nor appreciate... and cannot stand... is that these older men cannot take (ME) seriously.
With my every experience dating an older man, I am referred to as, " their gal-pal." And introduced by only my first name, not ever being introduced to folks from their past as, "this is my GIRLFRIEND, Stanzi."
Older men have been there, done that, got the t-shirt and burned it. Older men are tired of relationships... (and honestly, I really cannot blame them."
I get where they are coming from by not wanting a relationship... (with me, anyway...) I am only their outlet to living out and experiencing their wildest fantasies because I rock it "in bed."
But that is all I am to them.
No older man wants a broke, charity case little girl, (even though I will be thirty soon.)
Older men are more attracted to women at the very youngest, 10 years younger than (their) age. That, and or to women their own age, because they can talk politics with them, older than me women have careers, houses, condos, actually use their Passports, and they play games more so than us young, smoothe-skinned, perky-breasted "chicks."
Older women play games and play hard to get.
Apparently, older men are way into that. they need a chase, a challenge... THE HUNT. they need their freedom and guyism to PROVE that they are man enough to win them over.
But, what they wish is THIS:
Older men want a strong, independent woman who APPEARS not to NEED a man so that they can PROVE to these women that they need THEM... BUT...
They will never stop fantasizing about the younger women, with less years of baggage, who do not have crows feet, or saggy boobs, or leather-like skin.
They want to FUCK younger "chicks" because their pussies are tighter and not browned with age, but pink and wet, vs the dry dead fish that expect the guy to do all the work in bed.
They cannot stop fantasizing about the young "girls" that are eager to please and will do anything for them. the girls that make sex fun and interesting and intense.
Although, and in closing, they are too embarrassed to take their sex toys out in public.
Doesn't everyone want s a back-up plan?
I just wish that older men wouldn't juggle.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Social Security INCOME....
So, I get hit by a car last December 7th, 2009.
I could have filed for disability right off the bat first thing after I was released from the hospital, but I did not. I did not want to admit that I needed any kind of help and wanted to attempt to continue working.
2 months after my accident, one of my previous employers FIRED me, stating that I was, " TOO SLOW."
Well... DUH !
I was hit by a fucking car!
Anyway, all this time later, I finally filed for disability.
Now, supposedly, I am to recieve $2,000. p month from the government.
The first thing I am going to do is can the roommate situation. Then, I am going to turn one of the two bedrooms into an office so that i can focus on my writing.
After that, i am going to buy a camera, and begin shooting again, then get a new car, then pay off my credit cards. Wel... perhaps not in (that) order.
I am just so happy that my government is looking out for me I had NO idea I could get this kind of help!
I could have filed for disability right off the bat first thing after I was released from the hospital, but I did not. I did not want to admit that I needed any kind of help and wanted to attempt to continue working.
2 months after my accident, one of my previous employers FIRED me, stating that I was, " TOO SLOW."
Well... DUH !
I was hit by a fucking car!
Anyway, all this time later, I finally filed for disability.
Now, supposedly, I am to recieve $2,000. p month from the government.
The first thing I am going to do is can the roommate situation. Then, I am going to turn one of the two bedrooms into an office so that i can focus on my writing.
After that, i am going to buy a camera, and begin shooting again, then get a new car, then pay off my credit cards. Wel... perhaps not in (that) order.
I am just so happy that my government is looking out for me I had NO idea I could get this kind of help!
we KNOW what we are doing, but we continue to "DO IT" anyway...
Okay, so I saw my ex the other day, and it went surprisingly well.
I thought that he would yell at me and berade me, but, astonishingly, he did not.
What am I doing?
So, now we are "together again?"
WTF?
I tried my best to lose this guy.
WHY did I come back?
Perhaps because I hate being alone... that's all I can think of.
I thought that he would yell at me and berade me, but, astonishingly, he did not.
What am I doing?
So, now we are "together again?"
WTF?
I tried my best to lose this guy.
WHY did I come back?
Perhaps because I hate being alone... that's all I can think of.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
It's been while since I have written a new blog, I know... BUT I'M BACK !
11-27-10 SATURDAY
I'm back....
I had spent the last year crazy in love with a man that was not in love with me.
In fact, I had my suspicion that he had feelings for another woman, and I was right.
Just recently, we broke up for good this time. I had been trying to leave him for a while,
but I was never brave enough to be alone again... so I always stayed, went back to him...
forgave him for all the nasty things he said to me on a regular basis.
It was finally confirmed, that he loved someone else. And I found out who, exactly.
I was right. The woman I suspected was the one that he loved instead of me had ongoing texts between she and him.
Yes, I snooped. I had to, I had no choice, he wasn't being honest with me, and I gave him too many chances in the past to tell me the fucking truth.
The recent texts I viewed, which he sent her, and he sent many of them, read, " I miss you, where are you? Talk to me!"
I told him that I saw the texts he sent her and he was very upset with me that I "snooped" through his business.
I told him that I asked him on several occasions if he was with another woman , or if he had feelings for another woman, so it wasn't my fault that I looked through his phone.
Besides, he once snooped through my text messages and through my emails... who the fuck is he to tell me that (I) have no right to look through HIS things, that fucking hipocrit!
Anyway, I know this seems phsyco... I admit that, but I went ahead and contacted this woman he is crazy about and asked her is she A: even knew about me, since I had been "dating" him for over a year now, and B: if she felt the same way about him that he feels about her. I also apologised for even contacting her at all, and told her that I am sure it seems very immature, but she actually wrote me back... and told me that she doesn't have any feelings for him, but YES, they at one time used to have sexual relations, but those times pre-dated my dating him, and not to worry, that she would want to know the truth also, if she was in my position, and that she understood exactly where I was coming from .
That gave me great comfort, having read what she wrote in reply to my innitial inquirey. I told her not to tell him that I contacted her, and she assured me that she wouldn't.
Instead, I told him myself. I knew that he would be livid with me and would want to brake things off with me immeiately and permanently, and that's exactly what I needed. I couldn't get sucked back into caring as much as I did for a man that simply did not love me. It was finally time to move on.
And I was right, he (was) extremely upset, to say the least. He was embarrassed beyond all belief. But I needed out.
It was difficult, at first, getting used to not being able to watch Netflix because he changed his password on me... but life goes on, and I got my own Netflix account established, so no biggie. And yes, in my daydream-fantasies while I am driving my car, or waiting in line at Ralph's... I think back on all the great sex that he and I had, and fuck... it was AMAZING SEX with this man.
But hey,shit happens. Some people change, and some people never will. I have chosen to evolve. Roll with the god-damned punches life throws my way. Although I am a pretty decent human being and mean wll, I also have my flaws. So I shouldn't just ridicule and blame others for (their) flaws. I just need to weed out those that don't work for me.
I want things in life that only a real man can provide.
I'll be on the lookout.
I'm back....
I had spent the last year crazy in love with a man that was not in love with me.
In fact, I had my suspicion that he had feelings for another woman, and I was right.
Just recently, we broke up for good this time. I had been trying to leave him for a while,
but I was never brave enough to be alone again... so I always stayed, went back to him...
forgave him for all the nasty things he said to me on a regular basis.
It was finally confirmed, that he loved someone else. And I found out who, exactly.
I was right. The woman I suspected was the one that he loved instead of me had ongoing texts between she and him.
Yes, I snooped. I had to, I had no choice, he wasn't being honest with me, and I gave him too many chances in the past to tell me the fucking truth.
The recent texts I viewed, which he sent her, and he sent many of them, read, " I miss you, where are you? Talk to me!"
I told him that I saw the texts he sent her and he was very upset with me that I "snooped" through his business.
I told him that I asked him on several occasions if he was with another woman , or if he had feelings for another woman, so it wasn't my fault that I looked through his phone.
Besides, he once snooped through my text messages and through my emails... who the fuck is he to tell me that (I) have no right to look through HIS things, that fucking hipocrit!
Anyway, I know this seems phsyco... I admit that, but I went ahead and contacted this woman he is crazy about and asked her is she A: even knew about me, since I had been "dating" him for over a year now, and B: if she felt the same way about him that he feels about her. I also apologised for even contacting her at all, and told her that I am sure it seems very immature, but she actually wrote me back... and told me that she doesn't have any feelings for him, but YES, they at one time used to have sexual relations, but those times pre-dated my dating him, and not to worry, that she would want to know the truth also, if she was in my position, and that she understood exactly where I was coming from .
That gave me great comfort, having read what she wrote in reply to my innitial inquirey. I told her not to tell him that I contacted her, and she assured me that she wouldn't.
Instead, I told him myself. I knew that he would be livid with me and would want to brake things off with me immeiately and permanently, and that's exactly what I needed. I couldn't get sucked back into caring as much as I did for a man that simply did not love me. It was finally time to move on.
And I was right, he (was) extremely upset, to say the least. He was embarrassed beyond all belief. But I needed out.
It was difficult, at first, getting used to not being able to watch Netflix because he changed his password on me... but life goes on, and I got my own Netflix account established, so no biggie. And yes, in my daydream-fantasies while I am driving my car, or waiting in line at Ralph's... I think back on all the great sex that he and I had, and fuck... it was AMAZING SEX with this man.
But hey,shit happens. Some people change, and some people never will. I have chosen to evolve. Roll with the god-damned punches life throws my way. Although I am a pretty decent human being and mean wll, I also have my flaws. So I shouldn't just ridicule and blame others for (their) flaws. I just need to weed out those that don't work for me.
I want things in life that only a real man can provide.
I'll be on the lookout.
Friday, July 9, 2010
I should go now ...
When my cell phone lights up, before the ring, I am hoping its him,
Maybe this time he has something nice to say to me this time.
My hope has run dry.
Why IS IT that i can fall for such a scumbag, for such a … MAN?
I need peace, for once, even though peace is boring,
Peace is a state of mind and I have, lately been losing my own.
I can tell a man that I meet that I don't want babies, but I do…
More than anything, I want to be a mother someday.
Everyone from back so-called "home" has kids now,
… and they are seemingly happy.
But perhaps I will never be happy,
Never be satisfied.
Is that grounds to label me "CRAZY,"
… or grounds to call me SANE?
More than anything, I want a companion.
A companion to take pictures with in the last few black and white photo booths.
I want someone to rub my tired feet at the end of MY shitty day… because they want to,
Not because I begged them to.
Maybe this time he has something nice to say to me this time.
My hope has run dry.
Why IS IT that i can fall for such a scumbag, for such a … MAN?
I need peace, for once, even though peace is boring,
Peace is a state of mind and I have, lately been losing my own.
I can tell a man that I meet that I don't want babies, but I do…
More than anything, I want to be a mother someday.
Everyone from back so-called "home" has kids now,
… and they are seemingly happy.
But perhaps I will never be happy,
Never be satisfied.
Is that grounds to label me "CRAZY,"
… or grounds to call me SANE?
More than anything, I want a companion.
A companion to take pictures with in the last few black and white photo booths.
I want someone to rub my tired feet at the end of MY shitty day… because they want to,
Not because I begged them to.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
I don't have a chance.
He's much older than me, but that never crosses (my) mind.
It seems as though he is kind to me for reasons I don't care for.
I don't want his pity... but I guess because it's present I should accept his?
I don't know much about history or politics... but I know that love is important.
I think about him all the time. I worry about him. I love the way he smells. He looks so handsome in glasses.
I love the tone of his genuine laughter. I love listening to him talk about things he's most interested in, even though I have no idea what he's talking about most of the time... I just really enjoy witnessing his passion. I hate it when he says his life sucks, because he has so much to be thankful for, and I am really thankful for having him in my life, even if just barely. Every man I ever dated cheated on me, so I think that he is... but we aren't "together" so what's the point in giving a fuck about my own feelings, right?
Because I love this man I really don't have a chance, do I ?
It seems as though he is kind to me for reasons I don't care for.
I don't want his pity... but I guess because it's present I should accept his?
I don't know much about history or politics... but I know that love is important.
I think about him all the time. I worry about him. I love the way he smells. He looks so handsome in glasses.
I love the tone of his genuine laughter. I love listening to him talk about things he's most interested in, even though I have no idea what he's talking about most of the time... I just really enjoy witnessing his passion. I hate it when he says his life sucks, because he has so much to be thankful for, and I am really thankful for having him in my life, even if just barely. Every man I ever dated cheated on me, so I think that he is... but we aren't "together" so what's the point in giving a fuck about my own feelings, right?
Because I love this man I really don't have a chance, do I ?
... so there's this guy...
To be honest with myself, I have been "fuckin'" him for ten months now. I wish that I could say that I have been dating him all that time, but he wouldn't agree... and if that actually was the case, I would not be writing this, now... would I?
I don't even know where to begin when it comes to this one.
I dated a man for eight years and and thought it was love THEN. With THAT ONE.
But it was only a routine I was smitten with.
With this one, I hate the routine we have.
It's HIM that I love... and I HATE that he hates that.
I don't even know where to begin when it comes to this one.
I dated a man for eight years and and thought it was love THEN. With THAT ONE.
But it was only a routine I was smitten with.
With this one, I hate the routine we have.
It's HIM that I love... and I HATE that he hates that.
I'm human and I am not sorry... sorry!
I have dated many a douchebag, but you cut the cake.
I would do, practically anything for you.
Right now, I don't have much to offer except my loyalty.
...isn't that supposed to be the best part?
I am sick of you pretending that YOU are SICK.
STOP!
LIVE.
... you really really DO have your whole life ahead of you...
why be incomplete?
I'm sorry. You're human, and so am I .
I digress.
I would do, practically anything for you.
Right now, I don't have much to offer except my loyalty.
...isn't that supposed to be the best part?
I am sick of you pretending that YOU are SICK.
STOP!
LIVE.
... you really really DO have your whole life ahead of you...
why be incomplete?
I'm sorry. You're human, and so am I .
I digress.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Moving on is usually hard to do... except when it's not...
We can train ourselves to get over something, or someone.
Most times, though, we don't make that effort.
We want the world, or, rather... our idea of how the world SHOUL be
handed to us on a Sterling 925 platter.
But life isn't like that, now... is it?
GET OVER IT ALREADY.
STOP WASTING TIME.
Most times, though, we don't make that effort.
We want the world, or, rather... our idea of how the world SHOUL be
handed to us on a Sterling 925 platter.
But life isn't like that, now... is it?
GET OVER IT ALREADY.
STOP WASTING TIME.
Monday, February 22, 2010
KEYS TO HIS PLACE... Hmmm?
My two cats once hated each other when first introduced,
(and also for the firs two years they were "getting to know one another.)
Wait! What in hell does that have to do with my love life, if at all?
But in time, with my cats, they realized that they need each other,
for whatever reasons, whether to save themselves from boredom,
or to be able to blame one broken vase on the other... cat.
Oh, anyway...
It's the opposite for human beings, though right?
With humans, it's awesome at first, am I wrong?
You know, the sniffing butts and chasing tail part...
but then after the first few days, weeks, months or years (depending on individuals' situations...)
the infatuation dies and so does that love, or as I like to call it, "the sex!"
(And so does everything good in-between.
Then.. it just gets awkward. Right?
"Should I give her the key to my place?" turns into,
"FUCK! I GAVE HER THE KEY TO MY PLACE!"
"Kisha... girrrrl...the SHIT that MAN is capable OF ! " (Turns into,)
"Kisha! You would not believe what that asshole did !!!"
.. Dammit all, I wish we were REALLY like animals,
I wish I didn't feel compelled to give him back his key.
I wish that we could continue licking one another as if no one's watching.
(and also for the firs two years they were "getting to know one another.)
Wait! What in hell does that have to do with my love life, if at all?
But in time, with my cats, they realized that they need each other,
for whatever reasons, whether to save themselves from boredom,
or to be able to blame one broken vase on the other... cat.
Oh, anyway...
It's the opposite for human beings, though right?
With humans, it's awesome at first, am I wrong?
You know, the sniffing butts and chasing tail part...
but then after the first few days, weeks, months or years (depending on individuals' situations...)
the infatuation dies and so does that love, or as I like to call it, "the sex!"
(And so does everything good in-between.
Then.. it just gets awkward. Right?
"Should I give her the key to my place?" turns into,
"FUCK! I GAVE HER THE KEY TO MY PLACE!"
"Kisha... girrrrl...the SHIT that MAN is capable OF ! " (Turns into,)
"Kisha! You would not believe what that asshole did !!!"
.. Dammit all, I wish we were REALLY like animals,
I wish I didn't feel compelled to give him back his key.
I wish that we could continue licking one another as if no one's watching.
RELATIONSHIPS... or BATTLESHIPS?
Why in hell do we still pursue calling these... inconveniences, these casualties, "relationships," when the two can not relate.
So far, they have proven to be nothing more or less than battleships;
Taking what isn't theirs,
Fighting because they're convinced that they should fight.
In the end, too many wind up dead.
What a typical chick posting, huh? (Fuck!)
So far, they have proven to be nothing more or less than battleships;
Taking what isn't theirs,
Fighting because they're convinced that they should fight.
In the end, too many wind up dead.
What a typical chick posting, huh? (Fuck!)
HE'S CREATED A MONSTER !
If trying means that I try too hard, then I'm guilty.
If loving you is annoying... call me FEMALE.
If giving up makes you wanna come back, I quit.
If sticking around to try to make this work makes YOU give up, I'll run away.
You have created a monster!
If loving you is annoying... call me FEMALE.
If giving up makes you wanna come back, I quit.
If sticking around to try to make this work makes YOU give up, I'll run away.
You have created a monster!
TH SANDS OF TIME
(I wrote this one in the third grade...)
THE SANDS OF TIME
ARE WASTING AWAY,
YET, ( I ) STILL AWAKE
TO FACE ANOTHER DAY.
THOSE SANDS, ONE DAY
WILL EVENTUALLY RUN OUT...
BUT ( I ) WON'T BE LEFT IN-DOUBT.
I'LL TURN COLD,
THEN FADE AWAY...
ONLY TO BE REMEMBERED, ( I ) HOPE,
SOMEDAY.
THE SANDS OF TIME
ARE WASTING AWAY,
YET, ( I ) STILL AWAKE
TO FACE ANOTHER DAY.
THOSE SANDS, ONE DAY
WILL EVENTUALLY RUN OUT...
BUT ( I ) WON'T BE LEFT IN-DOUBT.
I'LL TURN COLD,
THEN FADE AWAY...
ONLY TO BE REMEMBERED, ( I ) HOPE,
SOMEDAY.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON... OR SO I THINK.
Whether ya just lost your job, or lost a lover, or a loved one...
HOW WE ACT AND REACT HAS A CAUSE, AND AN EFFECT
AND WE ALL HAVE FREE WILL, OR SO I AM TOLD.
GO GET YOURS ALREADY!
... or at least TRY.
HOW WE ACT AND REACT HAS A CAUSE, AND AN EFFECT
AND WE ALL HAVE FREE WILL, OR SO I AM TOLD.
GO GET YOURS ALREADY!
... or at least TRY.
HOW LUCKY I AM !!! ( vs.) HOW LUCKY AM I ???
PEOPLE ! WAKE UP ! STOP BITCHING! ...(Shit, wow, should that have been the title of this "blog," or what?
No, really. In all sincerity, how fucking lucky ARE YOU? Take a few minutes, or hours... or even days to reach the conclusion. It ain't science, folks. It's common sense. Wait! common sense ain't too common. I'm gonna prepare another statement now; IT'S intuition!
STOP BITCHING: about how you don't have what you want and just and go get what it is that you want, already.
BE THANKFUL: for what you DO have and allow these things that you have to be your strength when pursuing the attainment of all the many things that you CAN HAVE.
... that's all I will have to say about that. For now.
No, really. In all sincerity, how fucking lucky ARE YOU? Take a few minutes, or hours... or even days to reach the conclusion. It ain't science, folks. It's common sense. Wait! common sense ain't too common. I'm gonna prepare another statement now; IT'S intuition!
STOP BITCHING: about how you don't have what you want and just and go get what it is that you want, already.
BE THANKFUL: for what you DO have and allow these things that you have to be your strength when pursuing the attainment of all the many things that you CAN HAVE.
... that's all I will have to say about that. For now.
SET ONLY 2 GOALS PER DAY... AND YOU'LL END UP GETTING SHIT DONE !
I have also realized that my life had become... un-lived. So to speak. (Okay, let me attempt to make some sense here...)
I saw only very recently that I was drowning in a sea of crumpled up post-it notes that never even made it into the trash bin beneath my desk... I have been THAT LAZY. I was validating my life by writing these daily to-do lists, but nothing was getting checked off on them. I figured that just because I took the time to write down what I wanted and needed to get done... that everything was somehow gonna be just fine.
But that had to stop.
I decided that the best way to actually get things done was not to write a LIST of things to do, but to just begin doing things. Mentally and physically set forth to do only, at the very minimum of just 2 goals per day. And no, I do not mean, " TAKE SHOWER, EAT." Two LIFE- ALTERING goals. For example, "make amends with someone I had unintentionally hurt," "register car at DMV." And the next day it, (for me) will be, " go on a hike," "look into photography classes."
So. Every day will be about just DOING only TWO of the many many things that I want to get done this year. And folks, I am really just talking about me and what I have figured out works for (me.) But if anything... hopefully this vent will be of some help to someone else out there.
I saw only very recently that I was drowning in a sea of crumpled up post-it notes that never even made it into the trash bin beneath my desk... I have been THAT LAZY. I was validating my life by writing these daily to-do lists, but nothing was getting checked off on them. I figured that just because I took the time to write down what I wanted and needed to get done... that everything was somehow gonna be just fine.
But that had to stop.
I decided that the best way to actually get things done was not to write a LIST of things to do, but to just begin doing things. Mentally and physically set forth to do only, at the very minimum of just 2 goals per day. And no, I do not mean, " TAKE SHOWER, EAT." Two LIFE- ALTERING goals. For example, "make amends with someone I had unintentionally hurt," "register car at DMV." And the next day it, (for me) will be, " go on a hike," "look into photography classes."
So. Every day will be about just DOING only TWO of the many many things that I want to get done this year. And folks, I am really just talking about me and what I have figured out works for (me.) But if anything... hopefully this vent will be of some help to someone else out there.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
THE NEED FOR MAJOR CHANGE; (AND HERE GOES THAT PROCESS)
THE NEED FOR MAJOR CHANGE;
AND HERE GOES THAT PROCESS
Today I threw out all of my past writing. Not because I wanna forget about the past but because I need to move on. All my writing was in the past was a sea of woe is-me's. I didn't realize how much I was holding on to; old love letters and poems and songs I wrote for a man that I have been broken up with for almost 4 years now! A man that I stayed with for six more years after he had cheated on me with an ex of his the second year into our so called relationship. That's not all I sifted through and tossed. I found letters that I wrote to my father while he was still alive and never mailed to him. What in the fuck was my subconscious up to? I found letter upon letter that my mother wrote to me over the last almost eleven years… letters I had never even bothered to read. So I read 'em.
I have been missing out on life altering opportunities by holding on to things that don't matter and not embracing the things, (and people)… that DO. I have attached myself to people and bars that don't care about me and got fat and sad and angry from that.
My apartment is a mess because I have made a mess of my life. I took the bigger view of my apartment this morning and saw, for the first time what I was as a human being. WHERE I was… in my life.
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AND HERE GOES THAT PROCESS
Today I threw out all of my past writing. Not because I wanna forget about the past but because I need to move on. All my writing was in the past was a sea of woe is-me's. I didn't realize how much I was holding on to; old love letters and poems and songs I wrote for a man that I have been broken up with for almost 4 years now! A man that I stayed with for six more years after he had cheated on me with an ex of his the second year into our so called relationship. That's not all I sifted through and tossed. I found letters that I wrote to my father while he was still alive and never mailed to him. What in the fuck was my subconscious up to? I found letter upon letter that my mother wrote to me over the last almost eleven years… letters I had never even bothered to read. So I read 'em.
I have been missing out on life altering opportunities by holding on to things that don't matter and not embracing the things, (and people)… that DO. I have attached myself to people and bars that don't care about me and got fat and sad and angry from that.
My apartment is a mess because I have made a mess of my life. I took the bigger view of my apartment this morning and saw, for the first time what I was as a human being. WHERE I was… in my life.
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