HOLLYWOOD BLOWS !

I AM TIRED OF THE GAME ONE HAS TO PLAY TO GET AHEAD IN THIS TOWN.

I AM ME AND I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

I AM INCAPABLE OF KISSING ASS.

PERIOD.

What the fuck am I doing? (!)

yeah, yeah... so I have always been very attracted to older men, right? And others, throughout my life, including my therapist tell me it's a subconcious "daddy thing." Alright, let's say, so that those assholes can feel like they know what they are talking about... IT IS, right? But I was groosed out when my pop walked around in his Fruit Of The Looms loosey whities.

Am I fucked up, or crazy because I am attracted to older men?

Of course, i am going to establish that I am not.

First of all, older men are way more sexually experienced, which I dig, of course because I am a sex-a-holic. They know what they want, and they know how to please a woman, sexually, of course, at least with the ones I have endured, but they also know what the fuck they want in life... career wise, relationship wise, etc, okay?

With older men, I don't have to ask if their roommate will be home, and therfore, I don't have to hold back when I am fucking them, because it's just US. there is no, " keep it down, shhh... my roomate is inthe next room," type-crap.

Also, they have plenty of experience wining and dining a gal. They take you to nice restaurants, vs. fucking Taco bell or Mc Donald's.

In addition to these attributes of the seasoned male companions, they don't drag you to lame bars and order pitchers of fizzy yellow water, also known to college douchbags as: Miller Lite, or... if splurging on an imported beer; HEINE-fuckin'KEN.

Older guys know what they want... and I like that.

Furthermore, being a high school dropout, as I UNFORTUNATELY chose to be, it's fucking awesome... learning things via the intelect and past experiences of an older man.

But... what I do not like, nor appreciate... and cannot stand... is that these older men cannot take (ME) seriously.

With my every experience dating an older man, I am referred to as, " their gal-pal." And introduced by only my first name, not ever being introduced to folks from their past as, "this is my GIRLFRIEND, Stanzi."

Older men have been there, done that, got the t-shirt and burned it. Older men are tired of relationships... (and honestly, I really cannot blame them."

I get where they are coming from by not wanting a relationship... (with me, anyway...) I am only their outlet to living out and experiencing their wildest fantasies because I rock it "in bed."

But that is all I am to them.

No older man wants a broke, charity case little girl, (even though I will be thirty soon.)

Older men are more attracted to women at the very youngest, 10 years younger than (their) age. That, and or to women their own age, because they can talk politics with them, older than me women have careers, houses, condos, actually use their Passports, and they play games more so than us young, smoothe-skinned, perky-breasted "chicks."

Older women play games and play hard to get.

Apparently, older men are way into that. they need a chase, a challenge... THE HUNT. they need their freedom and guyism to PROVE that they are man enough to win them over.

But, what they wish is THIS:

Older men want a strong, independent woman who APPEARS not to NEED a man so that they can PROVE to these women that they need THEM... BUT...

They will never stop fantasizing about the younger women, with less years of baggage, who do not have crows feet, or saggy boobs, or leather-like skin.

They want to FUCK younger "chicks" because their pussies are tighter and not browned with age, but pink and wet, vs the dry dead fish that expect the guy to do all the work in bed.

They cannot stop fantasizing about the young "girls" that are eager to please and will do anything for them. the girls that make sex fun and interesting and intense.

Although, and in closing, they are too embarrassed to take their sex toys out in public.

Doesn't everyone want s a back-up plan?

I just wish that older men wouldn't juggle.

Social Security INCOME....

So, I get hit by a car last December 7th, 2009.

I could have filed for disability right off the bat first thing after I was released from the hospital, but I did not. I did not want to admit that I needed any kind of help and wanted to attempt to continue working.

2 months after my accident, one of my previous employers FIRED me, stating that I was, " TOO SLOW."

Well... DUH !

I was hit by a fucking car!

Anyway, all this time later, I finally filed for disability.

Now, supposedly, I am to recieve $2,000. p month from the government.

The first thing I am going to do is can the roommate situation. Then, I am going to turn one of the two bedrooms into an office so that i can focus on my writing.

After that, i am going to buy a camera, and begin shooting again, then get a new car, then pay off my credit cards. Wel... perhaps not in (that) order.

I am just so happy that my government is looking out for me I had NO idea I could get this kind of help!

we KNOW what we are doing, but we continue to "DO IT" anyway...

Okay, so I saw my ex the other day, and it went surprisingly well.

I thought that he would yell at me and berade me, but, astonishingly, he did not.

What am I doing?

So, now we are "together again?"

WTF?

I tried my best to lose this guy.

WHY did I come back?

Perhaps because I hate being alone... that's all I can think of.